HEALTH- Yes, I may have finally done it.

Found a limitation to my workload capabilities. After a very stressful work week, I am still feeling the effects of that stress four days later and even had to go to the doctor’s because of it. I have to finally admit…I am aging and my body and mind can’t handle what it used to. The part that alarmed me was the fact that the ailments that came about did not subside once the week ended. I mean, I’m used to dealing with high stress levels. I actually thrive in such situations but, obviously, the stress of last week was of another breed all together. I have high tension in my neck and back, what feels like indigestion and diarrhea & bleeding though my diet hasn’t changed. My doctor prescribed me Valium, Xanax, Zantac, Meloxicam (refill), and some booty meds. Ha! I really was afraid my blood pressure had changed. I have never had high blood pressure but I know my biological mother does and so I thought I had finally blown a gasket.

Suffice it to say, I’m going to work on taking it easy over the next month.

Ducts of Steel

I work with a whole bunch of saps. They can cry on cue. If someone looks like they are going to cry or just looks sad, my crew can drop a tear. I swear. I mean, you can just hug one out of the blue and they’ll start tearing up. So…somehow, we got into a discussion about crying. Well, actually, I think a coworker and I was talking about our weekends and she was saying that was one of her weekend activities. She just laid in the bed and cried like a baby. Then we started talking about how, with me, it doesn’t matter what is going on, I just can’t cry. Don’t get me wrong, I Have cried but I can probably count on one hand how many times I have cried like a baby and all have been so long ago. No matter what I try to use as a trigger- sad and/or traumatic experience, stress and depression, tear-jerking movies, fear of the future or the monsters that are bound to invade my home, or slamming my toe or finger in the door. Just doesn’t work for me. As we continued with the conversation and my coworker was expressing how two of her three kids are the same way and they see her cry all the time, I started to think about how many times my children had seen me cry. Yea…well…I quickly realized that I could not recall one time where my kids may have been exposed to me doing so and I openly expressed that to my coworker. She couldn’t believe it and, as some of my other coworkers joined the conversation, all of them acknowledged that they cry regularly and their kids see them cry all the time and they were amazed that my kids had never seen me cry.

In the name of curiosity, I texted my 18-year old to ask him if  he had ever seen or heard me crying. When he felt good and ready (damn teens), he responded and told me that he had never seen or heard me cry and he didn’t think he would want to. I asked him why not and he asked me why should he? I told him I’m a woman and I’m sensitive so I’m supposed to be crying all the time apparently. He called me a hater and that was the end of that conversation.

I don’t know if it is the strength I have been forced to build and embrace, the reservoir of strength my spirit maintains on its own from the Universe that allows me to utilize it when its necessary, my mindset (tears don’t get the job done so I don’t have time for them), pride (yes, they say it goeth before the fall), my cold heart (it’s not That cold) or what. I mean, yes, I think crying has its benefits and I would love to be able to get a good cry in but I just can’t. Even when I do watch movies that I know can get me prepared for a cry, like Armageddon or Imitation of Life, I still don’t get anymore than a slightly wet eye that lasts for three seconds.

Maybe I am a happiness crier and, since I have yet to achieve a sustainable level of happiness, I’m clogged up. ha!

The Outspoken

I consider myself to be an outspoken person but I don’t usually volunteer my opinion nor do I feel it necessary to comment on everything that crosses my mind. Most people couldn’t care less about your personal opinion. Additionally, for me,  a person’s belief that they Have to voice their opinion, more times than not, is a sign of someone who thinks too highly of their themselves and the value of their thoughts. Not saying there is no value to them. There is … when warranted and invited and voiced with experience.

Yes, I know, some just  consider it taking full advantage of our Freedom of Speech but, people tend to forget, every freedom we supposedly have is not free of their own restrictions. I’m free to say what I please but if my speech is offensive to others, I can be penalized for that … as an example.

I’m kind of veering off topic here. There is a woman I work with, who is one of those people who think too highly of her personal opinion. She works with my company but not on my floor; however, because the CEO works on her floor and does not allow the employees of that floor to heat their food on that floor due to odors, they have to come down a floor to utilize that break room. Well, the majority of the people on my team have never had a conversation with this woman and, only until recently, knew her name though she has been with the company for quite sometime. This woman never says, “Hi, Good Morning, How are you” or anything of the sort but see will tell you that the color  you have on is weird or comment on you eating soup for breakfast and so on. When she was in the break room with one of my teammates, she commented on the shirt she was wearing expressing that it was an odd shade of yellow and expressing that she didn’t know anyone who wears that shade. Um…okay. I suppose she knows everyone in the world and is the creator of hues and shades. Stupid broad. Another coworker was in the break room preparing her breakfast which consisted of boiled chicken and spinach. This woman went on about her eating that for breakfast and expressed how she wouldn’t eat that for breakfast. She commented about my breakfast of choice one morning to which I replied to her that who dictates what food is for breakfast and what food isn’t and people who have lived life a bit and haven’t always had choices when it came to their resources understand that food is food and you should just be glad to have it.

I know this isn’t the most mature of reactions but it is a realistic reaction where some people who feel the need to express their personal opinion about another person’s life put themselves at high risk of physical attack. Yes, it’s just like the child that says something they shouldn’t say. They don’t do it much these days but when I was growing up, getting slapped in the mouth when your lips were loose was an appropriate way to remedy the issue. I think the same applies to people who are of adult age in some instances. ha! I’ve actually had a buddy who experienced this very reaction a couple of months ago. Well, this buddy is not quite an adult which is to be considered due to the circumstances. I guess some girl at the new high school made a comment about my paler  sisters’ and brothers’ inability to dance. My buddy felt the need to interject her opinion, rather rudely, instead of walking out the door (which she was already doing) opting to keep her opinion to herself allowing the other girl to retain the role of the ignorant one. Well, the ignorant girl didn’t take to kindly to the comment so … she beat my buddy’s ass. Now, we cannot move on without mentioning that, the entire incident was stemmed from another person sharing their personal opinion about someone else. Point is … you don’t have to join in especially when you are not included in the conversation. Observe and ponder the thoughts of people but your visible participation is unnecessary.

I always say … if people spent as much time analyzing and pondering personal opinions of themselves as they do for everything and everyone else, we would all be a better, more connected, more intuitive people.

You’re THAT Guy…

As my son, his girlfriend, and I were headed back home from his Rugby game, we stopped to get something to eat. Since we were at the end of rush hour, on a very busy street, I turned onto the main road staying in the farthest right lane as to avoid any unnecessary honks while attempting to merge with traffic. The right lane was a straight lane but, more times than not, most of the cars in the lane are turning right.

As I pulled up to the red light, waiting to go straight, my son says to me, “Yea, you’re That guy”. I looked at him and asked, “I’m what guy”? “The guy who sees all the other cars in the lane turning but chooses to hold up the line anyway because he wants to go straight but didn’t think to get over as to not disrupt the flow of traffic”.

Smart ass…

Themes

Why can’t I find the perfect, free theme or why can’t I get my text to reflect the color I desire so it is readable against my background?

When I find a theme that I want to use with my background the text color is not right. *sigh*

I’m going to keep working on it but this should be easier.

 

The More We Think We Know, The Less We Actually Do

I was hanging out with this random guy and we started discussing various things, one being, the belief in extraterrestrials.

He stated he believed in aliens because how else were the pyramids created. um…..really?

I argued the point that, of course, this society couldn’t see how the pyramids could have been created by the people of Egypt since this Nation is so full of themselves with their sciences and technology.

I told him that I do believe in extraterrestrials simply because (1) the Universe is too vast for us to be the only living beings and (2) I never allow myself to come to final conclusions about the Unknown. I allow myself to stay open to all possibilities.

However, I disagreed with the notion that there was no way the Egyptian people had the savvy to know how to construct such amazing erections. I explained to him that many indigenous people before others decided what was ‘civilized’ were capable of things we couldn’t even dream of accomplishing today. Ancient people could see for a mile without the aid of glasses, they could run for miles barefoot, they could determine what time of day it was, which direction was where, when to plant, worship, grieve, and so on just by their connection to the land and celestial structures. Hell, without a GPS or compass, we civilized people today would get lost in the State Park.

The lives of ancient people were simple so they were more in tune with their own creativity and capability. They did not have the distractions we have now and their lives were still very full without technology because they had to create their tools and maintain them by hand. They had to search for their food or gather it.

Truthfully, the majority of our ‘advancements’ have served  to do nothing but make us slower, dumber,  weaker, lazier, less self sufficient, fatter, less grateful, less creative, and, most importantly, less connected to each other, to the Earth, to the Universe. We rely on cars to get us from point A to point B instead of walking, running, biking, skating, or horse backing it. We rely on technology to tell us what time it is, what day it is, what season it is, the time of our appointment, our kid’s play, and what to make for dinner. We’ve put so much faith into technological advances that we have lost sight of maximizing our own abilities naturally. Yet, still technology and science have failed to cure us of some of the more important matters like cancer, AIDS, incurable STIs, alternative fuels, feeding and housing all of our people, keeping all of our people employed, keeping us safe and unified, alleviated inequality, hate, and crime, and so on.

We would be such a better people if only we relieved ourselves of all of the things that hinder of  from fully developing and using our natural abilities and to just live simply.

We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aid, but by an infinite expectation of dawn – Henry David Thoreau

Interracial Dating Discussion

I have heard people say that, when dating outside of one’s race, many seem to trade down- black men date unsuccessful, unattractive non black women, white men date average, unintelligent non white women, white women date unsuccessful, uncivilized non white men, and so on.

I have also heard those who date interracially state their supposed trade down in the more visible areas actually mask the trade up in other areas such as sex, control, money, submission, social status, and so on.

In your experience, do you believe people seem more willing to settle and tend to do so when dating outside of their dominant race? Do you feel you have done so at any point?

The Bad Things of Technology- iPod

Last year, I won an 8g iPod Touch as my prize for the award I was honored with at work. I took me a few months to start using it since I had difficulties setting it up, connecting it to wifi, getting my music on it, and so on in the beginning. However, I managed to get all of that situation a couple of months ago and now … it’s horrible how much time I spend on this device.

I watch movies and shows on it via Youtube, Xfinity, and Netflix, listen to downloaded music or Pandora, listen to podcasts, Facetime with a couple of people, exchange song recordings with my daughter, play games, browse the internet, and so on. Three games that dominate my time are Family Feud, Draw Something, and Cleopatra’s Pyramid. I’m working on Chess. Family Feud and Draw Something are both interactive games where you can connect with friends and invite them to play. For Family Feud, we send requests for additional help with the Fast Money rounds so we can earn an additional $1000 which gets us closer to the next level. The Fast Money round consists of six questions that you must answer in one minute. So, for example-

Name something that contains the word ‘bone’

What do women want that men say they can’t afford

Name a state where you’d want long john’s in the winter

Besides apple, name a pie

What would you need to go fishing

What do some say can make a man looked distinguished

As each pops up, you type in an answer. On the iPod application, words will start popping up as  you type in letters and you can select the word from the menu. We do this ALL day!

Draw Something is just that. You get to choose from three items to draw to win one, two, or three coins at easy, medium, and hard levels, respectively. If your appointment guesses your drawing, you get the coins. Then your opponent draws something and you guess. It goes on like that, building in levels, until someone can’t guess a drawing. At that point, they will pass the turn and you start all over.

Cleopatra’s Pyramid is just a single player card game. For me, it’s a mix between Solitaire and Mahjongg. You build the cards like in Solitaire removing in succession but the patterns are more like the puzzle patterns used in Mahjongg. As I complete the levels, I build pyramids with various drawings on each piece.

My daughter loves to sing and, at 11, she’s pretty good so she has started sending me sound files or videos of her singing various songs and I provide feedback for her. She also asks that I help her complete songs she has created and so I will create a sound or video file in response.

I use FaceTime but I don’t really like it. There’s nothing like a video camera on a handheld device to help yous see how funny looking you are. ugh.

Many times, half of my day will be gone after playing my Feuds for the day, responding to all the Fast Money rounds, completing my turns on Draw Something, completing a level on Cleopatra’s Pyramid, listening to and responding to sound files or video calls, updating my reminder list, and checking my email. Oh, and I can’t forget about the other games I play that are not the buzz right now but are still active- Scramble with Friends, Words with Friends, Boggle, Pirates of the Carribean, and Where’s My Water?.

Well, I have a Draw Something notification, I have to finish watching WWE, and someone has attacked my ship on Pirates so I have to go.

smh…

Just horrible.

Which Makes Me More Unstable- Talking to Self or Talking to Inanimate Objects?

I talk to myself cause … there is no one to talk to. ha! Well, that is primarily true.

You see… I’m not a Total introvert but I am an introvert and enjoy more introverted things than extroverted. With that said, I live mostly in my own head- thinking, pondering, conversing, coming up with ways to solve all the world’s problems.

So…I do talk to myself … and not always in my head. Many time, I talk to myself out loud. Many more times, I have  full conversations with myself out loud- a character to play each part and everything. Funny thing is … I get things solved and done using that technique more often than when I consult with an outside party. Go figure, right?

Now, I have a stuffed white bear in Army fatigues that has been a part of my household since I was a little girl. His name is Sarg and, though he is inanimate, he has a personality. He is pretty stoic actually. Warm on the inside but does not show it on the outside.

I got a new stuffed white bear from my daughter in December. I decided to name him Stuff. I know that is not very creative but I think it is fitting. He is a polar bear, at least a half a size bigger than Sarg and dopey looking. His face is set in a smile and he just resembles a chubby, aloof, clumsy kid who happens to look like a bear. ha! Stuff’s personality fits just that- silly, warm and affectionate, excited to see you, and clumsy. Sarg and Stuff together are complete opposite so it would only make sense to think  of them as siblings who have the regular sibling issues.

To the talking…

Both bears reside in my bed. I talk to them when I’m watching stuff on my iPod in the bed. I fuss at both of them because, in my mind, Sarg who is not very playful and has the serious personality, gets irritated with Stuff frequently because Stuff is always smothering his space, always wants to be close, always wants to play, and is just a big goof. So I have to remind Sarg that Stuff is his brother and he knows he is special and affectionate so he has to be nice to him. Other times, I have to remind Stuff that Sarg is less affectionate and chatty and  he has to learn to give him his space. *crickets*

Then, in the cold months, I usually make sure I put the comforter back over them when I get out of the bed in the morning. When I get home and realized I forgot to do it, I apologize to them and hug them and promise to cuddle with them so they can be warm after I take my shower.

So, to compare…

My dialogue with the bears are motherly and is not constant, though, it is daily. My conversations with myself are always going, though, not always out loud.

I, personally, think I’m pretty stable. I just have lots of thoughts and a vast imagination and not enough exposure to people who intrigue me enough to keep my attention long-term.

But…don’t all the crazies think they are not?

 

I Made it Through Another Corporate Year Predominately Unscathed

Thursday, March 15, 2012 at 11am, I had my annual job review. For the most part, my previous year was filled with high points- being the lead on several projects and completing them splendidly, winning the 2nd quarter Spirit Award, troubleshooting issues for managers and supervisors and successfully juggling my 40+ property portfolio and managing to assist with and distribute the work of others when others were out.

However, during the first quarter of 2012 (first week actually), I ran into an issue while I was onsite in Savannah, GA auditing their files. I met the incoming staff and shared my candid thoughts. The existing staff were all out on FMLA (family medical leave act) due to the stresses of the tasks at hand with acquiring new funding or the properties and taking in new applicants. The existing staff, on paper, had not proven to be the most knowledgeable in the processes so we had major problems going into the region. However, the incoming staff was attempting to represent themselves in a certain light- a light that put them above the existing staff- yet their actions and knowledge had proven not to be any better than the staff we already had. I basically told the woman who would basically assume the management position for all of the in management limbo properties just that. Well, she didn’t take it very well but we had a conversation surrounding it so that I could further explain my stance and, in turn, she explained hers. To me, the conversation was more of an airing out and a coming together. Well, when I received a call from my supervisor and her supervisor a couple of hours later, I realized it wasn’t received in the same light by either the onsite staff member and her superiors and was relayed as such to my own.

That conversation is the foundation of the continued issues I am having with that particular woman. She tries to fight me about many things I request of her via audit and she also tries to find knicks in my armor so her venomous assault can wound me and make me seem less than capable and/or fair in my position concerning her and what she is trying to accomplish. Well, I’m sure it infuriates her even more to have not been successful thus far and for her abundant faults to constantly be brought to the forefront. It amazes me how much time and energy someone will put into bitching and fighting to not have to do something when they are far from the acceptable level of performance themselves.

Earlier in the week, she sent out a couple of emails fighting corrections I requested on a particular file. She opened one up with the comment, “I know I will never get a perfect file from you”. My boss questioned me about it and I told her she was just frustrated. My boss emailed the personally to ask her about the comment and the women responded that I told her that she would never get a perfect file from me when I was onsite with her. *silence followed by a stream of curse words* Of course, my boss came back to me about the statement and I explained to her that we were dealing with a case of manipulating statements to serve one’s purpose. Yes, I did say that I’ve never had a perfect initial file and I may have even said something to the effect of, “I’m too anal to give perfect files” or “You won’t get one from me because I am too anal” but I did not tell the woman that she, specifically, would never get a perfect file from me. I explained the details of the conversation being had at that very moment so my boss could see more than just the statement coming out of the blue.

With snippets such as that coming up and being used as ammo (similar to how religious people use bits and pieces of verses in their Holy books to make a point), attempting to taint my image, I was sure that I would get an earful about my conduct and this ongoing battle in my review so I was dreading it. Additionally, the morning began with an impromptu meeting about a couple of files in question being debated by this same woman.

However, this woman, the property, and the region as a whole made a very small appearance in my review. My boss and I actually were able to discuss further details of my observations of the staff and their conversations while onsite and suggestions in keeping the stress down in dealing with the staff and the continuance of being helpful, open to dialogue, and consistent in my work.

The only critical point of my review focused on my ability to communicate frustrations, debate differences, and brainstorm changes without being intimidating, aggressive, and defensive which has been moreso over the last six months due to stress, business-related and personal. I agreed to get back into some of the practices that helped me have that cool, nonchalant demeanor- meditation, holistic chanting, and so on.

All in all, I am doing my job, doing it well, still excelling in most areas and open to constructive criticism, challenges, and growth.